5 Reasons Why Fracking is for #GirlBosses

She may not be Grimes, but Ms. Kamala “I’m speaking” Harris is definitely a certified #GirlBoss. And, besides waking up early and late capitalism, what is it that makes every girlboss go a little weak in the knees? You guessed it—the high-pressure injection of water, sand, and various chemicals underground in order to extract oil or gas in an often hazardous, environmentally-unfriendly, and morally compromising fashion.

In other words, girlbosses are #obsessed with fracking. The shoe closets and lengthy Starbucks receipts have to be paid for somehow! Not that being a girlboss was ever about the money…

Anyway, here are five reasons to love fracking, just like every other certified girlboss! (unless you want to be a #LOSER like Donald Trump)

  1. When you say you’re “always on that grind,” people will know you’re serious.

Sometimes people roll their eyes at you when you won’t shut your trap about the Grind. While those people might just be stupid or socialists, there is, indeed, an easy way to prove them wrong. What better way to demonstrate your seriousness about the Grind than by grinding into the Earth itself? All the haters on welfare will wish they were as organized and motivated as you.

  1. Fracking produces oil, and oil makes you rich.

If there’s anything a girlboss is not, it’s poor. Fracking is the perfect way to make money, and lots of it, without having to manipulate or exploit other people. It’s only our planet that we’re talking about here, and planets can’t cry or call their mothers from a dirty bathroom stall like your lazy intern.

  1. You can’t hear the voices of your WMO (White male oppressor) over the constant clattering of an ultra-powerful hydraulic drill.

If there’s anything more loud and obnoxious than a man, it’s a drill. As you slowly obliterate the thick inner layers of the earth, so too will you obliterate the White male’s incessant need to speak words. After enough generations of fracking, men might even evolve to unlearn the process of speaking itself. A reality that girlbosses thought would only exist in their dreams…

  1. You don’t need makeup when you have sweat, oil, dirt, grease, and blood.

Every #goddess on your instagram feed will soon be slaying the “frackability” look. Who needs highlighter when you’ve got that magnificently glowing sheen of natural oil? And the blood from possibly life-threatening work injuries will only prove how monumentally hard you work. Rags to riches to certified boss bitches!

  1. The earth was sort of just asking for it.

If there’s anything you know about the “environment”, it’s that she didn’t make her own opportunities like you did. So isn’t the earth just sort of asking to be drilled into? It’s not like you, you know, wanted that to happen, that’s just sort of the way of things. You’re sure the earth is a total girlboss on other planets. Just not on planet Earth. 

So there you have it, girlies! Now grab that drill, check that to-do list, and go find that hustle. The earth and the glass ceiling are at your fingertips for destruction!