That sexual activity has experienced a decline since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic is no secret. An online poll by NBC revealed that in 2020, 51% of Americans said the pandemic negatively impacted in their sex life, 27% replied that it stayed the same, and 22% said their love life improved (fuck them… Not that they need it). I took it upon myself to confirm these results and what I found was even worse. By polling myself, I found that my sex life has decreased 100% since the outbreak of COVID-19.
Now that the vaccine is being widely distributed across the U.S., there is finally light at the end of the tunnel of involuntary celibacy. As we plot our first sexcapades since the outbreak, we are all keeping our eyes open for that special someone. Whether you’re dying to see below the shoulders of somebody from your Zoom class or finally meet that person you’ve been texting on Tinder for eight months, the time is nigh. Which is why we are coming at you with a list of five people to have sex with as soon as we’re immune.
Most of our generation had no idea who she was until Netflix’s Pretend it’s a City, but now that we do, Fran Lebowitz is at the top of the list for who to sex once we’re vaxxed. Guaranteed to put you in your place and tell you to look up from your phone, Fran rides a fine line of sardonic dominatrix and your snarky grandma. If you’re looking for the most efficient, no nonsense sex of your life, Fran Lebowitz is your girl.
Now this may seem horribly inappropriate, but when you think about it, your therapist is probably your closest relationship during COVID. They were with you during that week you didn’t get out of bed except to pee. Who do you depend on more than them? And if your therapist is as old as mine, they’ve been vaxxed for a while. Hot!
In case you forgot, on January 22nd, 2020 the Planter’s logo and mascot Mr. Peanut passed away at 104 years old. While we all mourned this loss for about 3 seconds before the COVID-19 pandemic hit, the good news is that Mrs. Peanut is now available. Planters didn’t give her enough credit, but a year after her husband’s passing, this little snack is ready to get in on. Make sure you have both doses of your vaccine though because I hear she’s been getting around.
Armie Hammer Paul Mescal
Oh, Paul. You beautiful man. With your Roman nose and broad shoulders. I’ve been thinking about you since you wore those short shorts to play soccer in Normal People. I’ve heard you’re seeing Phoebe Bridgers and I can’t help, but feel cheated. The end of the pandemic is in sight and you’re taken? I’ll be two weeks post my second vaccination on May 15th. Let me know if you’re down.
Not to objectify Jon Ossoff, but… This man is clearly our hottest senator and high on the list of people to sex. Ossoff supports the ACA, clean energy, criminal justice reform, and reproductive rights! What is hotter than good politics? My pants are literally on fire. He took Georgia and he can take me anytime.
That completes our list of five people to have sex with after getting vaccinated. Before you go sexing, make sure you are two weeks post your second vaccination and, remember, the COVID-19 vaccination does not protect against STDs, you still need to use protection.