The end is near! The end is near! What end is near I am sure you may be wondering. The end of dormitory living! The end of cinder block walls, toilets that never stop flushing, and trying to figure out how to “do it” on a broken twin xl bed. It’s the spring of junior year and you’ve just been approved for off campus housing. No more Resed! RAs are a thing of the past! Room checks? I haven’t heard that name in years! Sure, you’ll have to deal with the devil, sorry, I mean landlords, but hey, a house! Yet, with the illusive permission given to the select few, comes one dilemma: finding the perfect dwelling to keep you, and maybe 1-4 pals comfortable for the next year. No more dealing with waitlists to try and get the best room possible, this role is now in your hands! After some careful searching, you’ve narrowed it down to three this-is-better-than-a-dorm-room houses. Suddenly, you get a flashback to middle school sick days and snow days spent watching House Hunters on HGTV and everything feels just right.You’ve seen this before! You know exactly how to go about this! HOUSE HUNTERS: OBERLIN EDITION
HOUSE 1: The Holy House
Now this house seems like an absolute dream! A front porch, a turret, and even a driveway to keep the car you don’t have! You contact the landlord for a tour and show up to the house perfectly on time and there she is, a real beauty! You open the front door to the house, and something is missing…the floor! There’s a huge gaping hole in what was seemingly once a living room. You look down and the landlord waves back up at you and yells, “don’t worry! It’s a minor cosmetic fix, I’ll get to it soon!” The last tenants must have party rocked a bit too hard. As you continue exploring the house, there’s a loud creaking sound with every step you take creak…creaaaak…CREAAAAAKK. Hmmm, maybe that hole may grow some friends soon. So what if there’s a few gaping chasms in the floor, isn’t an open floor plan the hottest trend in houses these days?
HOUSE 2: Putting the fun in the fun house house
A beautiful 3 story house with a wrap around porch, this truly feels like it may be it. When you emailed the landlord to schedule a tour, she mentioned that the house comes fully furnished. Great! No rushing to furnish an entire house only to anxiously try to find a way to get rid of it all at the end of the year. However, when you show up to the tour and walk into the house, it completely resembles a carnival fun house. Rooms filled with distorted mirrors! Paintings of clowns with eyes that follow you! Black lights and neon floors and eerie music coming from no distinguishable location. But hey, the rent is cheaper than the other houses you’ve seen and this unique decor, shall we call it, could be used as a great conversation starter!
HOUSE 3: The Hidden Palace
This modest, two story house makes up for in bathrooms what it lacks for in porch space. It has not one, not, two, but three restrooms! A palace of thrones! If Stevie takeout (because you were feeling lazy to cook and were forced to pay for the plan) hits a little different one night, no need to fear! You and your two housemates can all rush off to your own personal golden thrones and take as long as you want with zero guilt! This could be the house! This could be the way you’ve always dreamed of spending your senior year: a year with your own private potty! However, as your hopes and desires are finally seeming to become a reality, you’re knocked back down to earth when your landlord mentions something. He mentions that he lives in the basement, and despite it being pretty separated from your space, he notes that he often needs to share the downstairs bathroom due to consistent plumbing issues in his bachelor pad studio below. This is the bathroom closest to the room you had your eyes on, ADIEU to the big room with the bay window and fireplace, oh the horror! Your dream is crushed, this can’t be happening.
Which house does it come down to, I’m sure you’re wondering? To our surprise, none! The waitlist system glitched and somehow you got reassigned to a divided double in South with a sophomore transfer. On the upside, at least you don’t need to worry about furnishing the place!