How to Keep Your Tits in Even Though it’s 55 Degrees

It’s 55 degrees and sunny in Wilder Bowl. Your bestie pulls out her sexy sunglasses as you nurse your caffeinated bubly. It’s so nice out that you don’t even care how rotten your cantaloupe is! A walk to the recycling bin is like a strut down the runway, and suddenly, your tits begin to wiggle out of your tank top. Truthfully, they were never really strapped down, but something about the sunshine makes them want to see the world. And you want to let them! With 35mg of caffeine coursing through your veins, you fight the urge to cartwheel all the way back to your friends. As you strongly consider making a spectacle of yourself, a frisbee comes out of nowhere to smack you in the noggin. You’re knocked to the ground as you close your eyes, fully aware that your left tit has dislodged from your shirt, flapping in the spring breeze. When you come to, the frisbee kids have formed a socially distanced circle around you. They ask for their frisbee back. You shove your tit back in your tank and crush the frisbee under your size 8 tevas. You hand them the fragmented disk and give a short lecture about safe frisbee practices. 

Still dizzy from your frisbee knockout, you teeter back to your friends. Trying to gage how many people witnessed your nip slip, you ask “Did you guys see my left tit emerge from my shirt just now?” Your bestie in the sunglasses nods in acknowledgement as the rest smile sympathetically. The fact that everyone in the Bowl has seen your left tit is kind of freeing. Your friends agree.  

Suddenly, OSteel comes marching through, heaving their steel pans with enthusiasm. As they begin to play a Rihanna medley, the Bowl erupts in song. There’s no choice but to get up and dance. You lose yourself in the music, close your eyes and forget everything around you as “S & M” pounds in your ears. As the song ends, you open your eyes and realize everyone’s staring at you. Oh no, you think. It can’t be…not again. You look down at your tank and your worst fear is realized for the second time today: your left tit has once again escaped from its cave, bobbing with the music. You turn to your friends in panic, pleading with them to help you through your eyes. Your hottest friend begins to applaud and the others follow. They drag you on stage (your tit still out in the open), and OSteel begins to serenade you. The whole Bowl clamors with applause, as the OSteel players hoist you atop the largest pan. What a day for you and your tits!