The Oberlin Women’s Varsity Basketball Team has quite a season! With an undefeated streak, the team has shown dedication and a true love of the sport. Now that it has come to an end, The Grape’s Resident Sports Reporter Juli Freedman wanted to sit down with team captain, fourth-year Amanda Skeletron, to get the inside scoop on the strong team bond that carried them through the year, but also how exactly she was able to perfect her double backflip half-court shot at regionals.
JULI FREEDMAN:Amanda! I am so glad you could make the time to talk to me.
AMANDA SKELETRON: Me too. Can I have a bite of that?
JF: Of my scone?
AS: Mhm, like a little nibble
JF: I mean I guess
AS: Thank you
JF: Hey you said a nibble!
AS: *cute giggle*
JF: Well, First I wanted to say congratulations on an undefeated season! I have never seen the student body show so much school spirit for the team!
AS: I am so sorry I just got this text from my mom. She doesn’t usually text me….Oh it’s just a picture of my dog Penny.
JF: Can I see?
*throws up a little in mouth*
I’m sorry I just threw up a little in my mouth
AS: Yeah, Penny is not doing so well as of late. She just went through her fifth pack of diapers this week.
JF: I am so sorry about that, where were we—
AS: Well Penny is about 20 years old in human years, which is pretty rare for dogs to live that long
JF: I see
AS: And well we first saw signs of her pooch body decaying when she started to slow down. Panting a lot when I took her on walks and just stopping in the middle of the street and I would have to carry her all the way back home. That may have been the first sign, oh, and there was a family of maggots living in the crust of her eye.
JF: Oh okay. I do have some questions about that half court back flip.
AS: Oh yes the backflip, I would say my team is super supportive. Shout out to my bestie Jellybean for staying at the gym all night to help me perfect my form. But while we are on the subject of Penny, she also has this hack and when she hacks it’s not just like this muddy phlegm, but actually pretty much a whole dead bird
JF: That is quite interesting, but I was interested in these nicknames the team has, are there any more?
AS: I mean I am Diaper Dog Bitch, because of
JF: Because of Penny?
JF: Is Penny like your best friend, cheering you on during the season?
AS: What do you mean?
JF: Like Penny must have some golden personality
AS: Oh no, not at all. Penny is pretty cruel. See these oozing gashes all over my leg *rolls up pants to reveal oozing gashes* These are from Penny. Turns out she has been a carrier of a stronger bubonic plague virus that my immune system can’t fight off
JF: Oh my god
AS: She is also just very rude. Like I specifically told her she can’t smoke in my room, and she could have smoked anywhere else in the house, in fact she has her own smoking room, but then I come home and there are cigar butts lying around everywhere and I just look at her and she is flashing me her pussy which was just full of a swarm of dead bees. She messes with me like that all the time.
JF: Can you describe basketball in like maybe 3 words?
AS: orange, pivot, basketball. Well the diaper became a necessity when she was leaving tracks of bloody shit all around the house. It was like she would scoot all around the floors and leave very visible trails of viscous bloody shit all over the carpet. It was impossible to clean. Well now that she wears the diaper, her excretions are more contained, except a lot of it does happen to overflow the containment of the diaper, and the diaper is rendered pretty useless.
AS: I know!
JF: Well I do have a few more questions about basketball, but I think there is a question that is on everyone’s mind.
JF: Have you ever thought, and I really don’t know how to put this lightly, maybe you should just go to the vet and hmm, for lack of a better word, let her. . . . croak?
AS: Well I mean Penny has been practically begging us,
JF: How so?
AS: She leaves these notes made out of her, you guessed it, her bloody shit, that are like “End My Suffering”, “Euthanize Now Please” and “I Will Haunt All You Bitches For Centuries Unless You Take Me To That Doctor And They Give Me The Pentobarbital I Crave”. But Penny, she’s family! Just like all my teammates on that basketball team!
JF: Thank you Amanda, some of this has been a pleasure.
You can find Amanda “:Diaper Dog Bitch” Skeletron this weekend on Saturday at 5 o’clock in Wilder Bowl at the Baskets 4 Penny-a-thon/Baskets Palooza in hopes of raising 30k for new diapers for Penny!