NOT CLICKBAIT!! 20 Year Old Girl Discovers Huge Vintage Porn Stash and You’ll Never Believe What She Does Next

As per a highly established societal norm, people will dump unwanted household goods onto the curb in hopes of them finding a new home. Free is well, free, so one can’t help but to peruse when there are goods screaming “TAKE ME PLEASE!” on the side of the road. One weekday morning I happened to stumble upon one of these not-good-enough-to-donate but too-good-to-be-regular-trash piles of stuff. After rifling through the goods for a couple minutes and not finding anything decent, I was ready to give up and continue my walk. However, three covered boxes caught my eye. I lifted the lid off of a cardboard box. Glistening in the sun was a mint condition 1985 Playboy Christmas issue. I slid it to the side, and it was a Jewish Christmas miracle, a box filled with old porn magazines. However, there were two more boxes just like the first; could there be more? There couldn’t possibly be more. There was more. The second, was just like the first, but the third, oh the wonderful, shocking, delectable third box: adult films, many adult films. And by adult films I don’t mean the historical drama with religious undertones my parents simply love to watch, but XXX movies. Good, old fashioned VHS pornos. I ran home, grabbed my car, spun back around, threw 30 years worth of whacking off into the back seat, and flew home like it was some sort of criminal get-a-way. What to do, what to do, what ever could I do with my new collection. Open up the Sam Blieden Memorial Porno Museum? Well maybe, but I’m still very much alive so the name may need some work. Start an online archive? I mean it could be cool and I was already scanning some of the best pages, but still, I had to do something more. All of a sudden, it hit me: PORNO JOURNALISM! I would write the greatest porn-journalism the world (The Grape) has ever seen. I would become The Grape’s senior porn film critic (editors in chief, this is my proposal to you, I think this former-in-print-currently-online-hopefully-in-print-again-soon-newspaper needs this). If that sounds interesting to you, keep on reading as those very reviews are featured here in this article! If that doesn’t interest you, keep on reading! You’ve made it this far already, why give up now? 

MOVIE NUMBER ONE: Sweet Alice

Sweet Alice  was quite the mystery. It was in a blank, cardboard case with a dingy sticker that read, “SWEET ALICE”. I had to assume that was the title of course. I thought to myself, could this be a XXX version of Ebert-acclaimed slasher of seventy-six, Alice Sweet Alice? I slipped the tape out of its mysterious case and slid it into the VCR. The cogs started to whir and a picture came to screen. COPYRIGHT 1986 it read. “Ok,” I thought to myself, “It still could be Alice Sweet Alice. It may not be a hip porno, but maybe the director was a slasher fan.” A cowboy on a bus, think Midnight Cowboy, appeared as the cast credits flashed over him. KEVIN JAMES, a name read. Could it be? THE Kevin James of Paul Blart Mall Cop fame? Sadly (or gratefully?), it was not. I still could not tell what the film was going to be about. Then, it cuts to a cabin followed by some shots of skiers, then two women and a man walk in and an orgy breaks out. Well, wonder no more. All questions answered, except for one. There was a man holding a dog watching the orgy. 

MOVIE NUMBER TWO: PRETTY PEACHES

By far my favorite cover of the bunch, Pretty Peaches, or respectfully, “Alex de Renzy’s Pretty Peaches four time erotic award winner!On the front we see a woman giving an Oscar winning performance of a fake orgasmic facial expression as she ties the string to her gingham brassiere. On the back, the same woman gives off the small-town, next door neighbor charm in a conservative (no cleavage) spaghetti-strapped floral dress. I was so ready to pop this bad boy in, but suddenly, as I slipped the cassette out of the case, a part fell off and it was a goner…I would not be able to view “Alex de Renzy’s Pretty Peaches four time erotic award winner! So, leaving 

room for the imagination I will simply have to assume it is an erotic tale of a small town gal taking on the big world as the hit song of 2002, Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches, plays in the background, despite that completely disregarding linear time as Pretty Peaches came out in 1989.

MOVIE NUMBER THREE: PENTHOUSE PASSPORT TO PARADISE, HAWAII

If you’re interested in the quadruple B: Babes, Bikinis, Boobs, and Beaches, this is the film for you. “Aloha, and welcome to the ultimate pleasure trip. Your companions: five sensational, erotic women straight from the sizzling centerfold pages of Penthouse.” reads the highly stylized cover of this 1991 film. Essentially a live-action Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition video shot in the same style as a driver’s ed film, it truly delivers what it promises. No surprises, but definitely, no problem.

Sadly, I only have time for one more review. I made plans with myself to watch Adam Sandler’s The Cobbler (2014) in hopes of learning a thing or two about fixing shoes. I have a pair of boots that need mending. 

MOVIE NUMBER FOUR: MASSAGE _______

Massage _____I have to say, is my overall favorite. Taped onto a Super Avilyn High Standard 246 minute tape, Massage____ , is truly a time-capsule of its era. First let me explain the tape’s label to you. You may be wondering why this film is titled Massage _____, well it’s not, but the title was handwritten on and the second word is completely indecipherable. Yet, this is only part of the reason why this home recorded tape caught my eye. Next to the penned in Massage _____, one can faintly make out Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid penciled-then-erased in. If you aren’t familiar with Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid, it’s the mystery-noir film directed by Carl Reiner and starring Steve Martin. Obviously this classic 1980s comedy, which I personally enjoyed, didn’t make a big enough impact on my neighbor that he thought it was worth rewatching, or maybe there was such a desire of desperation to save Massage _____, that he was willing to sacrifice a good laugh to learn all about couple’s massages, which is what this movie ended up being about.  Aw! Maybe he was trying to satisfy his wife, or vice versa, not as aw! I mean this guy must have been into massage, this was not the only massage tape in the lot. 

This leads me to the final segment: HONORABLE MENTIONS!

I know I only reviewed four, but I couldn’t just leave you with that. I had to give you something else. Your interest in my incredible collection was only just spiked so here are some titles-worth-mentioning-but-just-weren’t-as-worthy-of-a-full-review-as-the-previous-four. With this parting gift to you here are some other critically acclaimed films found in the box. 

Playboy’s Art of Sensual Massage – Oo la la, a great companion to Massage _____!

Alice In Wonderland – this one’s easy to guess!

Holly Does Hollywood – don’t we just love movies about movies!

And lastly, not one, not two, but three Centerfold Screentests, of which two are 2 tape sets – now that is a lot of behind the scenes action.