Oberlin didn’t hire me because I am a thousand-year-old lizard trapped in the body of a dance teacher.

When I was little I would stand on my toes for hours in my room alone, sometimes upside down, dreaming of the day that I would perform. While the other kids chased bugs together, I would twirl and bow alone. I was a lonely and determined child. 

When it was time, we shed our youth and ventured into the world of human adults. It was a marvelous adventure. Some of my friends became T.V. executives, scientists,— even presidents. I, however, became a dancer. For years, and years, and years, I danced. It felt like all of my life was dancing, so much so that I felt as though I could not do anything else. I watched my friends scheme and deceive their way through human society, all for the advancement of our species, while I realized dance was my true passion. I did not want to shed the skin I had grown so comfortable in. I would instead devote my life to teaching humans. 

So It broke my heart when I heard the news that after three years working for Oberlin College, my contract would not be renewed. 

The news was delivered without a hint of sympathy, in the same sort of matter-of-fact way one would explain the various muscle tissues of different bugs. “We simply cannot hire another 1,000 year old lizard trapped in the human form of a dance teacher.” I was shocked. 

Only about 85% of Oberlin faculty are 1,000 year old lizards trapped in the bodies of professors. Devoting a whole 15% of staff space to non-lizards seems to me to be far more than enough, and if anything, setting that space aside seems unfair to us lizard people. 

I know we have had trouble in the past. The incident in which an Art professor ate a student’s arm last year was unfathomable. I am not that kind of lizard. During my entire time at Oberlin, I have not had one comparable incident. I know that for non-lizards, my long forked tongue, and insatiable hunger for human flesh can be off-putting. I know that for centuries Lizards have preyed upon humankind, manipulating your society as we wish, giving ourselves missions and treating your planet like a playground. I know many of your parents have been eaten by Lizards, and that we as a species, have absolutely no remorse for such “tragedies”.

Still, to claim that you can’t hire one more, simply because I am part of an order of ancient malevolent lizards that despise humankind, is discriminatory and just plain wrong. I will not continue to don this human veneer without my teaching. I have been a magnificently kind Lizard for a thousand years, but if I’m edged out of the Dance department over some faux social justice bullshit I will come back in full force and eat you all.