Study Finds Direct Correlation Between Attending Solarity and Crying

Solarity is happening this Saturday night, and if last year is any indication, another event is happening too: an emotional breakdown the intensity of which would be enough to prompt your friends to submit a SHARE tip if they weren’t definitely going to be wrapped up in comparable crises of their own. One night a year, students are given free rein to fight, break up with each other, hit on classmates, and do scary drugs in a display that should be named the Purge but for legal reasons we will call the Solarity Cry Baby Phenomenon. It holds that a student in attendance of Fall Solarity, regardless of their emotional state prior to, will cry at some point either during the event or within 2 hours of its culmination. 

Last year’s Solarity—featuring Lizzo—was a smashing success turnout-wise and performance-wise. But despite this triumph, it turns out, all 1500 of the concert’s attendants, at various points throughout the night, with varying intensities, and for varying reasons, shed tears. 

“I mean emotions run high at these kinds of things…that’s nothing new,” said head of Psychology Dole Branson. “But yeah, every single person cried. We checked and they all did.”

A common theme of the night was slump-induced mania. This maybe can be partly explained by the timing of the bianual show—December 7th. 

“December 7th…oof, yeah that’s a tough spot,” Branson grunted, flecks of sandwich clinging to his stache. “Everyone’s back from their respective fucked up Thanksgivings and unwilling to process any of their shit. Also it’s seen as a sort of last chance for people to get all that pent up sexual energy out. The result is just hundreds of rage-fueled horndogs, which I’ll tell you, is NOT fun to supervise.”

The event is infamous among campus faculty as well, seeing as the first weekend of December, student infraction rates are triple what they are during reading week. One freshman was caught painting penises on that rock in Tappan. 

“I’m sorry, I just…it’s December 7th! I’m confused and caught between worlds and also just so horny,” the boy sobbed as Campus Safety wrote down his info. 

While the timing of the event can take credit for much of the general volatility of the student body, students cited a host of other contributing factors. Oberlin senior and frisbee legend Sack Opentoe pointed out that Solarity is a night of heavy drug use. 

“I was crying because I forgot to do drugs,” Opentoe said. “And then I got there and was like ‘ohhh, yeah being on drugs would definitely have helped me to participate in this”

Solarity takes place in the Heisman Fieldhouse, which is huge, and does not look like Oberlin. Most things at Oberlin are sort of little, and this place is very very big. So that’s one disorienting factor right off the bat. 

“Then you get inside and it’s everyone you’ve ever seen before, but they’re all frantically looking for people they don’t usually get to see,” Opentoe said. “Like, the crowd looks like a school of fish in that it’s changing shape in a way that most concert crowds do not. Everyone is taking lap after lap either looking for people they have crushes on, or more often, looking for friends they got separated from.”

Sounds like a headache, Sack! Whether or not you are excited for Solarity, or even plan to go, know there is a good chance that you will end up there. And if you do, prepare to cry.