The Art of Zoom Seduction

To my dearest reader,

Do you find yourself glancing at that be-you-tiful face of yours on zoom all day? Has the warped perception of your virtual self affected your self image in a positive manner? 

I present to you

The Art of Zoom Seduction.

It’s your first day at Oberlin Zoom College. Your first class is at 9:30am. In the olden days, you would be waking up around 8:30 (well, I would at least. I like to take my time getting ready. I need to give myself time to look hot, well I already am, but hot in an effortless, but put together way). Well lucky for you, now you don’t have to leave your room! You can wake up at 9:29 and still get to class on time! Now wait, hold up! Let me stop you right there. Now that being an incel has become a forced mainstream, I know you’re looking for that bright, moist,  light at the end of the tunnel, you horny little f#%k!, Now is the time to make those virtual moves and find yourself a cyber-lover (or score some bonus points with your professor).

This could be you.

Now here is my advice to get you some virtual b-o-o-t-y:

  1. It’s all about that effortless charm. 
    • First, I recommend a cute, yet comfortable shirt. I like an oversized button down or a fun sweater. It’s casual, yet has those stuck-at-home vibes. To contrast that comfort-chic, accessorize! Throw on that propeller hat, draw on those cat whiskers, put on that ole’ fake mustache you’ve been hoarding for the perfect moment since freshman year’s Easter Keg Hunt
    • Although no one can see your bottom half, unless you’re sitting like a freak, I recommend wearing SOMETHING on the bottom, you don’t really want any accidental full frontal going on, and if you do, that’s your business not mine. You want to create an air of mystery for your future cyber-wife…leave some room for the imagination. That being said, go comfortable! Athletic shorts! Sweats! Elastic is your B-F-F.
  2. Location is key!
    • Show off those big, voluptuous, sexy BOOKS that you have in your room. Subtly place those items around you that you decided would be the basis of your personality freshman year of college. For me personally, it’s my collection of marionettes, polka sheet music for the accordion, and memorabilia from 1993’s The Chevy Chase Show. For an added effect, have a movie playing in the background like the Dumb and Dumber prequel, Dumb and Dumber: When Harry Met Lloyd or Showgirls or set the mood with some music, like Polka! All Night Long by Jimmy Sturr. Make sure to accidentally unmute at inconvenient times to add to the ambiance of at-home learning which leads me into the next segment.
  3. Make yourself known.
    • I’m not saying participate or be a teacher’s pet…unless that is what you’re looking for ;), you just need to be loud enough to get yourself noticed. As I mentioned earlier, leaving your mic on is a crucial tool for drawing attention to that beautiful face of yours. From a technical standpoint, allowing your mic to be left alone will constantly highlight your little box or place you into speaker’s view. Scientifically, you cannot be missed. The eyes are drawn to change (or large faces filling up a screen).
  4. Scope the scene.
    • Get to know your class. One of the fantastic perks of Zoom is that you can stare at people for AS LONG AS YOU WANT, and no one knows! I mean, I want you to STARE. Get a little closer to the camera and keep those eyes peeled. You do not want to miss a single move those cyber-babes make. I always have a bottle of eye-drops ready after class because if I blink, who knows what I will miss that could be used later on to swoon…

So now that you’ve established yourself in class, it’s time to make those moves. 

  1. Pick your target: Let’s take it slow for now. Pick one person you want to woo into becoming something that resembles your internet girlfriend from middle school that you met through One Direction stan twitter.
  2. Now that you have your target, it’s time to make some subtle moves. You need to participate. My suggestion is to interrupt your target as they’re answering the professor’s question with Adam Sandler gibberish like this scene in the hit film of 1995, Billy Madison:
  1. Break-out rooms – where the magic happens.
    • I know, we all DESPISE those dreadful breakout rooms. The awkward pauses, having to have your camera on even when the conversation runs dry and there’s still five minutes left on the timer. But, now is your time to make a move! You finally get placed into a breakout room with your target. Skip the topic your professor assigned and jump right to the juicy questions. Here is a list of talking points I believe will create meaningful, yet important conversation between you two cuties:
      • What is your favorite color?
      • Do you think Frankie Yankovic is rightfully crowned “America’s Polka King”?
      • What is your major?
      • Do you prefer Let’s Polka ‘Round or Polka in Paradise?
      • What dorm did you live in Freshman year?
      • Is the Schmenge Brothers’ The Last Polka a valid portrayal of the polka community?

And there you have it—your cyber relationship is born! Maybe you’ll have a virtual wedding themed Zoom party, maybe you’ll run into each other in person, have an awkward conversation and never speak to each other again. The world (Oberlin and cyber-space) is truly your oyster. 

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours.